Sam, I have to admit that Sunday was probably one of the most difficult
days to get through. I got up and headed to church, and it was
sad to be so alone. I miss you a lot, and can’t wait to see you
After church, I got back to the house and made some breakfast. I
went to work on my ZombieTrack system more … but there are so many
thoughts going through my head. I had to print out all of the
e-mails that your mom and I have exchanged over the last several weeks
… I’ll keep them somewhere for you to read one day. As I read
throught them I wanted to highlight the “From” addresses to make the
threads easier to read. I went downstairs to get a highlighter
pen and couldn’t easily find one … so I went over and looked in your
mothers desk. While going through the drawers, I found some of
her old journals.
I had to sit and slowly read through the various things that she had
written, and I was reminded of the dreams that she had, and the life
that she had growing up. I would never wish her childhood on
anyone. You mother grew up in a very difficult setting, and it
ended up impacting her life in many ways. It didn’t teach her
many ways to be successful in life … and it didn’t teach how to
really get what you want. All of that, she had to learn on her
own. I realize how much of what I am frustrated with, are simply
things that she never learned. She experimented.
What I also was struck with was some of her thoughts about what she
wanted in life … her dreams and ambitions. I realize that she
wanted so much for Joe … remember that you were not even thought of
then. She wanted a salon … and a great life. She wanted
so many things … the things of her dreams as a child. Before
she and I met, she wanted so bad to meet someone who would be a great
father for Joe, and be a great husband for her. She really wanted
the ideal life style.
As I realized this, I have to admit that I really felt sad. Sad
for her … and sad for us. I cried. I sent her some
messages on her phone to see if she would talk … but she would not
really answer. She sent back short messages, that had no real
information about what she was thinking. She would not answer me
about what she thought of our future.
I had talked to Ted about going for a hike, and even though it was
raining I told him that I really wanted to go. We hiked to the
top of the mountain behind our house … it was a great work out.
While up there Ted found the shell casing that I will give you …
we’ll put it someplace to hold onto. It symbolizes the week that
you and I have not seen each other. When we came down from the
mountain, we went to get dinner at the Red Rock Brewing Company.
I really couldn’t eat … I just wasn’t hungry. I am so stuck and
not sure where to go.
I tried to get some work done that night … but was too tired, and had too much on my mind. I went to bed.