Sam, I have to admit that Sunday was probably one of the most difficult
days to get through.  I got up and headed to church, and it was
sad to be so alone.  I miss you a lot, and can’t wait to see you
again.

After church, I got back to the house and made some breakfast.  I
went to work on my ZombieTrack system more … but there are so many
thoughts going through my head.  I had to print out all of the
e-mails that your mom and I have exchanged over the last several weeks
… I’ll keep them somewhere for you to read one day.  As I read
throught them I wanted to highlight the “From” addresses to make the
threads easier to read.  I went downstairs to get a highlighter
pen and couldn’t easily find one … so I went over and looked in your
mothers desk.  While going through the drawers, I found some of
her old journals.

I had to sit and slowly read through the various things that she had
written, and I was reminded of the dreams that she had, and the life
that she had growing up.  I would never wish her childhood on
anyone.  You mother grew up in a very difficult setting, and it
ended up impacting her life in many ways.  It didn’t teach her
many ways to be successful in life … and it didn’t teach how to
really get what you want.  All of that, she had to learn on her
own.  I realize how much of what I am frustrated with, are simply
things that she never learned.  She experimented.

What I also was struck with was some of her thoughts about what she
wanted in life … her dreams and ambitions.  I realize that she
wanted so much for Joe … remember that you were not even thought of
then.  She wanted a salon … and a great life.  She wanted
so many things … the things of her dreams as a child.  Before
she and I met, she wanted so bad to meet someone who would be a great
father for Joe, and be a great husband for her.  She really wanted
the ideal life style.

As I realized this, I have to admit that I really felt sad.  Sad
for her … and sad for us.  I cried.  I sent her some
messages on her phone to see if she would talk … but she would not
really answer.  She sent back short messages, that had no real
information about what she was thinking.  She would not answer me
about what she thought of our future.

I had talked to Ted about going for a hike, and even though it was
raining I told him that I really wanted to go.  We hiked to the
top of the mountain behind our house … it was a great work out. 
While up there Ted found the shell casing that I will give you …
we’ll put it someplace to hold onto.  It symbolizes the week that
you and I have not seen each other.  When we came down from the
mountain, we went to get dinner at the Red Rock Brewing Company. 
I really couldn’t eat … I just wasn’t hungry.  I am so stuck and
not sure where to go.

I tried to get some work done that night … but was too tired, and had too much on my mind.  I went to bed.

I forgot to post this last night … I wrote it late on Saturday night.

Today was a great day. I worked on my ZombieTrack project in the
morning, and while doing that I got an e-mail with the most spectacular
news. I’ll write more about that later.

I got the snow blower off of the tractor, and then found that the
tractor wouldn’t start. I had to mess with the starter for a
while, and I was able to get the little starter gear unstuck … and
then it started without a problem. I opened and set-up the
pressure washer that I must have bought over a year ago. I used
it to clean the mower deck, and then the tractor. The pressure
washer rocks.

I then filled the big roller with water and got out and cut the grass
in the backyard. It really was a gorgeous day. I even got a
little too much sun …

After that I got ready to go to Salt Lake City to meet friends.
We went to the Third Eye Blind concert at the Delta Center. It
was a lot of fun.

I look forward to seeing you, Sam. I can’t wait to play again …
to talk with you … to see how much you have grown even in the one
week that I have not seen you. It won’t be long now …

I’m up early this morning … sad that you are not here.  I had
asked your mother via e-mail (since she will not talk to me) if I could
have you for the weekend.  I even offered that she could come
along.  I wanted to take you swimming last night at the Kamas
pool, and then go work and play in the barn and yard today.  I’m
going to put the mower deck on the lawn tractor and cut the back yard
since Spring is here and the grass is already growing like crazy. 
Tomorrow I was thinking that we would head to church, get some brunch
afterwards, and then maybe take a hike after your nap.

But you aren’t here.

On a side note, I have to follow up aafter my post last night.  I
have begged your mother to work this out through mediation.  We
could have met with a trained professional who would assist us in not
allowing emotions to cloud our efforts to either resolve our
differences, or to settle in a way that would work for both of
us.  I have asked your mother to be in communications numerous
times … to please let me know what she is up to.

Yesterday, started to call around to find a lawyer … specifically to
get access to you.  While calling around, I happened to call one
law office that stated “I’m sorry … your wife has already been here
and it would be a conflict of interest.”  What that means is that
your mother *might* have retained an lawyer.  If she has, I wish
that she would have said something.  I specifically sent her an
e-mail indicating that I have *not* yet retained an attorney … I
really wanted us to work this out.

I have not yet taken off my wedding ring … I still hold out some sort
of commitment that things can be worked out.  I wish that she
would talk with me.

I’m pretty sad right now.

No matter what occurs, I want you to know that I am committed to your
life. I want to ensure that you learn how to work for what you
want, and to respect all of the people around … even those who you do
not think that you like.

We are all humans, and we are all striving for good. We do what
we think is right, and often we do not distinguish the consequences and
impacts of our choices. I know that my choice is having a very
tough impact on your mother … and I feel for her. It makes me
very sad. Her choices are having a huge impact on me, and on you
and I being together. This also makes me sad.

I do know, however, that at some point in the future we will get beyond
this, and we will be able to see new possibilities. We will begin
a new life … in a new form. And I again am committed to that
life being great.

I am actually afraid of what Monday will bring. I have to meet
with two lawyers, and pick which one will represent me, and us … our
future together. Father and Son.

Sam,

This blog is now going to become quite a different thing.  I had
really hoped that I was going to be writing about your growth and
development … which it is.  But for the foreseeable future it is
also going to be where I document the beginning of the end of my
marriage to your mother.  I want you to knowt hat I love her a
lot.  I always have … from when I first saw her … and I always
will.  She is a beautiful woman, and is very intelligent … and
funny … and fun to be with.  Her creativity abounds.

The divorce that we are about to go through has little to do with her
directly … it is more about your step-brother Joe, and her inability
to see that he could really use some help.  He is a very smart boy
… but almost too smart for himself.  And he has been raised to
respect very little in this world … which is very sad.

I have lived for several years now looking for a way to really make a
difference in his life.  I really wanted to see him turn the
corner.  As he turned 13, things just continued to get
worse.  His behavior at school, and at home, continued to
demonstrate what occurred as an entitlement to anything and everything.

I want to say that I am the one who chose to end the marriage.  I
chose a life where I did not have to live with Joe in the house …
behaving the way that he does.  Your mother simply did not want to
stop his talking back, his attitude, and his constant disrespect. 
I am not sure why.

On Monday of this week – April 18, 2005 – your mother ran away with
you.  She had talked to the school, and to Utah Dept. of Family
Services, about Joe … and both of them advised her that Joe was a
real problem.  For some reason, she then chose to pack up the car,
take you and Joe, and go to the bank.  There, she took all of the
money in several bank accounts, and then ran.

I called her that night on my way home from a class in Salt Lake City
to ask where I could meet her so that we could play.  I wanted to
take you to the park … or to find a place to play in Park City. 
She told me that she wanted me to leave the house … and then that she
was taking Joe to yourt grandmothers house.  I begged her to meet
me … I asked her to allow me to see you.  She said that she
would drop off Joe and then head back to the house.  She said that
she would call me right back … and never did.

The last time that I saw you was Monday morning … it is now Friday
night.  I miss playing with you … fighting and wrestling in the
front room … watching Baby Einstein.

I’ll write more … and I know that I will see you soon enough!  I
love you and I will make sure that you know that!  I will do my
best to make sure that we all get through this with an incredible
future!

Lately, Sam’s vocabulary has increased, and the complexity of the
things he says are really cool to hear.  We have been watching a
lotof the Baby Einstein DVDs, and adding adjectives and adverbs to all
sorts of nouns.  He also recognizes so many things …

We went to the park in Midway the other day and had a blast. 
Running around and around … up the mini rock wall, down the
slide.  The slide was generating a lot of static, and so we were
also shocking each other and the metal parts of the playset.

I realized how out of shape I have become … he just about wore me out!

It’s been fun.  For the last month, Sam has been getting out of bed by himself … and back in! 
The getting out actually started a while back, however it has been
amazing that he will now sometimes get some toys, put them in his bed,
and then crawl back in with them.

The other day Tracy came in to tell me that he had got out, put his
large toy garbage truck in the crib, and then crawled back in to take a
nap.  Very cool.

This last week we have been in Hawai’i, and Sam has been enjoying
himself.  It was fun to see him enjoying the beach, the waves, and
also spending time with my parents.  He is really developing a
better grasp of langauge, and his sentences … both requests and
statements.  He is getting better at explaning things, and is
amazing at creating all sorts of random sentences.

Today he started to sing a little song that sounded like “Too bad, too
bad, too bad, too bad.” … it was funny to hear.  We weren’t
really sure exactly what he was singing about.

So far this week we took him out in the ocean where he enjoyed playing
in the waves, down in a submarine to look at fish, and over to the
Hilton to see all of the various sites there.  He really liked the boat and train rides at the Hilton.

This week he has also been sleeping in a bed next to us, and he scoots
around all night seeming to “feel” for the edges … which aren’t
there.  Overall, I’ve really enjoyed the time he has spent with my
folks … he woke up this morning asking for “Grandma”.  Very cool
…